Naseehat to bride

In the words of the wise:

‘Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you already posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”

In the light of the Qur’aan and Sunnah:

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them to guard. ….." (Quran: An-Nisaa 34-35)  

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said "If I were to command anyone to prostrate before anyone, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband, because of the enormity of his right upon her."

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said "if a woman offers five times daily prayer, keeps the fasts of Ramadan, guards her honor and obeys her husband, then she will enter Paradise by whichever gate she pleases."

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said "A woman who dies in the state that her husband is pleased with her, shall go to Paradise."

Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) warned: "Woman! Your husband is either your Jannat or your Jahannam."  And "Neither the Fardh nor Nafl Salaat (nor any act of ibaadat) is accepted of the wife who has displeased her husband."

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) used to say, "After fear of Allah a believer gains nothing better for himself than a good wife who obeys him if he gives her a command, pleases him if he looks at her, is true to him if he adjures her to do something, and is sincere towards him regarding her person and his property if he is absent." Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3095, Narrated AbuUmamah

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes." Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3254, Narrated Anas ibn Malik  

When Allah's Messenger was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves." [Nasa'i and Bayhaqi, in Shu'ab al-Iman transmitted it.] Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi 3272, narrated Abu Hurayrah 

Understanding the moral & Islamic duty that your husband has towards his parents as commanded by Allah:

Aisha (R.A.) says that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) said: "The greatest claim on a woman is that of her husband and the greatest claim on a man is that of his mother".

‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) asked Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam): “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her husband.” She asked, ‘And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He said, “His mother.”

Allah's Apostle said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle!" He said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

“Thy Lord hath decreed, that ye worship none save Him, and (that ye show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with thee, say not "Fie" unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word. (Al Qur’aan 17:23)

“And We have enjoined upon man concerning his partners - His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years - Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.”  (Al Qur’aan 31:14)

Abu Hurayrah (radhiallahu anhu) said: “A man came to the Messenger of Allaah  (S.A.W.) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ The man asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your father.’”

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship. And she brings him forth with hardship…” (Al Qur’aan 46:15)

The Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has said: “The displeasure of Allah lies in the displeasure of your parents”

In view of the above moral & Islamic duty that your husband has towards his parents, what should be your duty as a wife ……….

As a wife, first please understand that your husband was their son before he became your husband. He does not cease to be their son after getting married to you. Therefore, he will always remain their son and will be required to fulfill his Islamic obligations towards his parents until they die. Remember that the holy relationship of mother and son that spans his whole life, from the pain and suffering that she went through to bring him into this world, to the cherished moments when the mother fondly brought him up with great love and care, does not simply get erased by him getting married to you. The sweat and blood that his father sacrificed to bring him up and train and educate him, also can not simply be forgotten. It is therefore your sanctified duty to be supportive to him in fulfilling his sacred obligations towards his parents. Your parents too must also understand this reality. Instead of conspiring against them, they should teach you to love and respect them. Instead of trying to denigrate them and trying to possess their son, they should remember that they will always remain his parents and your parents can never take their place.

Secondly, please understand that once married, your new and permanent home is the home that your husband places you in, whether it is a separate house or the home of his parents. You must adjust to the environment of your new home. His parents are now your parents too. Your parents have now become like strangers to you. The home of your parents is no longer your real home. You cannot hope to gain happiness by keeping one leg in the home of your parents and one leg in your marital home. Your parents also must understand this very well. They must encourage you to get used to your new home by having less contact with you. They should not habitually offer to do house chores for you or try to organize your life for you from their home. They must not interfere with your life in your marital home in anyway. You should not accept gifts or items from them or anyone else without first asking your husband.

Always be honest with your husband and your parents in-law. Do not lie to them. You should not collude with your parents in secret to do or plan anything without the knowledge of your husband or his parents. Do not be secretive with them. Always consider them as your benefactors and not your enemies. Your parents too should understand and emphasize this to you. Instead of arranging private meetings and telephone conversations with you, they should encourage you to be open and be honest with your husband and his parents.

You are now part of the family of your husband. Their property and honour (Izzat) are your property and honour. You belong to them and they belong to you. It is your duty to safeguard their property and honour, for they are now also your property and honour. When they confide in you, do not betray their trust by divulging it to others. You must not disclose their shortcomings nor defame them as they are your family. In the same way as you would not denigrate your own family, you should not denigrate your husband’s family and back-bite about them. Always be honest with them and never behave hypocritically with them. Do not make surreptitious plans against them behind your husband’s back. Always reject such ideas whether they come from your parents or someone else.

You should be kind and polite to your in-laws, as you would be to your own parents. Never behave or talk rudely to them. Always accord them great respect and they too will love and respect you and treat you as their own daughter. Care for them, and they too will care for you. Treat them kindly, and they too will treat you kindly. Protect their honour, and they too will protect your honour. Listen to and obey them, and they too will listen to your grievances. Be helpful to them when they need you, and they too will be helpful to you when you need them. Never act hypocritically in your husband’s presence by pretending to be nice to his parents and be different when he is not there. And never abuse them and tell lies about them, as they may lose all affection towards you for ever, and may find it very difficult to forgive you. They may also never trust you again.

If you have any disagreements between your husband or his family, you must sort out the disagreement among yourselves within your marital home. You should not complain to your parents or involve them in any way. Do not have a habit of telling your parents about every little thing about your husband’s family. Your parents also should not interfere by being inquisitive about your affairs relating to your husband and his family.

In the event of a quarrel developing in your marital home, whether it is with your in-laws or your husband, your parents should not involve themselves at all. And you too should not have a habit of phoning them every time there is a problem. They too should not have a habit of rushing to take you away from your marital home every time there is a problem. You and your parents should not use every excuse to take you away from your marital home to their home. They should keep away from your matrimonial affairs and encourage you to sort your own problems within your marital home. This will bring about better relationship between your parents and your in-laws, and between you and your husband and his parents.

It is Allah and it is His Prophet (S.A.W.) who have commanded that you should obey your husband. As your happiness is inextricably interwoven with your husband’s pleasure, by being kind and dutiful to his parents, you are serving your husband. And, this ought to be your honour.

Remember that your parents in-law do not require or demand your service (Khidmah). Don’t forget that they were managing quite alright without you before you arrived at their home. They do not expect you to serve them, like you would also not expect them to serve you. Therefore, do not add any burden of work on them and then expect them to do it for you. If you can not help out with the general house work, at least do what you yourself produce. Or do what you would normally do if you were at your parent’s home or your own separate home. Try to be an asset instead of being a liability in their home.

In all fairness, you should share the burden of all house work without discrimination. This will bring about mutual understanding and happiness among the family. You should not feel irritated to be told or reminded to do something in the home as it is also your home because you live there. You, your parents or anyone else should not construe this as you being treated as a servant in your in-laws home.

As regards to being dutiful your in-laws (doing Khidmah), like you would serve your own parents, if you served them too, you would not be lowering your dignity in any way. On the contrary, you would gain tremendous reward from Allah. You would also gain your husband’s pleasure. Obviously, such service will be based on the type of bond that you have with your husband. The stronger the bond, the more you will appreciate his parents. By displeasing his parents, you will rouse the displeasure of your husband, and your husband’s displeasure will bring about Allah’s displeasure.

It is essential that you understand that marriage is a sacred bond. Both of you have been granted rights over each other by Allah. These rights are there to guarantee that an injustice is not done to either of you by any one of you. However, the need to demand these rights from each other should not arise if your love for each other is genuine and strong enough. Both of you will be willing to sacrifice your rights for the sake of your love for each other. A happy marriage is not based on demanding ones rights. Happiness in a marriage is the product of these things; (1) obedience to the husband (2) mutual understanding (3) patience (Sabr), (4) sacrifice (Qurbani), and (5) tolerance (Darguzar). Without these, happiness in marriage is simply not possible.

Please remember that Allah does not like extravagance. Allah Ta'ala says: “O children of Adam, wear your beautiful apparel at every place of worship, and eat and drink but do not be wasteful; indeed, He does not like the wasteful. (Al Qur’aan 7:31)  

Also: “Verily, the spendthrifts are brothers of the Shayaateen, and the Shaytaan is ever ungrateful to his Lord”.  (Al Qur’aan 17:26, 27)

Therefore, do not over-burden your husband with your extravagant spending. If your husband refrains you from this, do not construe his advice as him being stingy. Do not force him to work harder just in order to fulfill your extravagant desires. He will hate you for this. He will also not like your parents to keep sending you gifts and items while he himself refrains from reckless spending.

When your husband advises you or refrains you from anything based on the Qur’aan and Sunnah, always willingly obey him and take his advice without un-necessarily entering into any argument. You do not need to ask your parents or anyone for their approval before obeying or taking your husband’s advice. Do not have an attitude of resisting everything your husband commands or advises you to do. Do not make him feel afraid to advise you because he feels terrified of your predictable attitude. This will create hatred towards you and this will increase as he gets more and more frustrated at the fact that he can not communicate with you or exercise his authority (that Allah has given him) over you.

When you have any disagreements between you, try to make amends by apologising to each other instead of leaving it for the next day or longer. By leaving it too long, you will nurture hatred towards each other and you may find it more difficult to amend later.

Do not interfere with your husband’s business affairs or general dealings. Do not be nosy and offer your advice when he does not ask you for it. When he is talking with other men in the family about anything, including his business affairs, do not interrupt and offer your opinion without being asked to do so. Do not tell your husband how to conduct his affairs and business dealings. Let him think for himself, do not try to think for him. If he needs your help and advice, he will ask you.

Marital Rights

It is important that while you recognize your marital rights, you should also remember that they are merely prescribed by Allah to ensure justice for you should unfavourable circumstances arise. It would be very detrimental for your marriage to demand these rights when not necessary. And for you to deliberately create such unfavourable circumstances in order to demand your rights, would be even more detrimental.

These days, girls who emerge from Madressa seem to learn only about one thing; their marital rights. They totally ignore the rest of the moral teachings of Islam including their moral responsibilities towards their husbands and his parents. Unfortunately, they also go round and preach this to others and make others rebellious like them. Also they develop an attitude of “I know better” and ignore wise advice from others including their own parents, husbands and parents in-law. They ultimately end up being stubborn and disobedient wives and they do not even realise it, and, maybe, they do not even care. This of course is at the expense of their Akherah and inviting the Wrath of Allah in this Duniya. As a result, they lose their respect from their husbands and never achieve true happiness in their marriage.

Today, Muslim women who live in the west are greatly influenced and attracted by western values. Their love for freedom results in disregard for above mentioned Islamic values. They desire to adopt western values to make their marriage work, which is simply not possible. As a result, like western marriages, which end in breakup and divorce, theirs too suffer the same fate. To make a Muslim marriage work, Islamic values and teachings must to be accepted and followed fully without any compromise with western values.

What is common these days ……

What often happens these days is, from the very first day when a young wife arrives at her husband’s home, she initiates her selfish scheme of achieving separation from her in-laws. In the process of scheming to be separated from her parents-in-law, she deliberately creates many upheavals in the home, leading to break in family relationships and great misery.

The holy relationship of mother and son that spans his whole life is destroyed in short moments. The cherished moments when the mother fondly brought him up with great love and care, are all forgotten. The pain and suffering that she went through to bring him into this world and to bring him up, are also forgotten. The words Allah and of His Prophet are also ignored or understood in a blinkered way. 

Like Shaitan, she whispers into her husband’s ears at night. She complains about his poor old mother about petty things, most of them pure lies and exaggerations. She is also a very good performer and can easily shed tears and sob to emotionally blackmail her husband into sympathizing with her. This becomes her daily routine. The husband begins to believe her lies and gradually starts to behave indifferently towards his parents without realising it. Eventually, she succeeds in her evil scheme; she departs from the home of the in-laws leaving behind a legacy of bitterness, enmity and unhappiness. Sadly, although she and her parents believe that she has achieved ultimate happiness, they do not realize that she can never be happy in all her life because she has hurt the very people who hold the key to her happiness - her husband and his parents. For the Prophet S.A.W. has said: “The displeasure of Allah lies in the displeasure of your parents”

Back-biting:

When she whispers to her husband, she is in actual fact shamelessly back-biting to her husband about his own poor mother. He should refuse to hear any complaints regarding his mother or family in their absence. He should tell her that if she has anything to say about his mother or anyone in the family, she should say it in their presence and sort out the misunderstanding between them. She would dare not do so as she knows that most of her stories are full of lies, exaggerations and fabrications. However, sadly her own parents will lend an ear to her false grievances and instead of giving her good counseling and advice, they will make matters worse. They should not be allowed to interfere in any way. They are the main cause of many marriages breaking down today.

Husband:

If the wife fulfils her obligations to her husband, he too should not ignore the great responsibilities and duties towards his wife that are ordained by Allah. Both, the husband and wife, should look to the Shariah and see what the Qur’aan and the Sunnah expect of them. This is the prescription for happiness on earth, and happiness in the Aakherah. Insha-Allah.

Allah knows best.

Lastly, I will end with my sincere Du’aas:

May Allah Ta’aala Bless your Nikkah with mutual understanding, harmony and everlasting love between the two of you. May Allah make your marriage a source of great joy and happiness for your entire family. May Allah bless you with healthy and pious offspring who will become the Da’ees of Islam, Ameen.

“Bârakalláhu lak, wa bâraka alayk, wa jamaa baynakumâ fi khayr”.

May Allah bless you and shower his blessings on you and bring you together in goodness. Ameen.

May Allah Guide you to heed the advices and make your marriage an example of the happiest Muslim marriage. Ameen.

03^rd September, 2006

(Amended: 30th October, 2006)